By Shane
June 17 2021

In a week where Dominic Cummings has leaked text messages, in which he is described as 'totally f**king hopeless', two high-ranking members of arguably an even bigger sh*t show - Arsenal football club - have also had their private conversation about summer transfers leaked.

Edu: Okay. First item on the agenda is targets. Who do you like, Mikel?

Mikel: I'll tell you who I don't like, that William Saliba.

Edu: William is ninth on the agenda but I guess we can kick it off here. What don't you like about him?

Mikel:

Edu: Well?

Mikel: I don't like the way he runs.

Edu: Have you ever seen him run?

Mikel: Well, no, but that isn't the point.

Edu: What is the point?

Mikel: Of what?

Edu: Saliba.

Mikel: I agree. I don't quite know.

Edu: No I mean what is the point you were trying to make?

Mikel: What? When?

Edu: Five seconds ago when you said 'that isn't the point'.

Mikel: Oh. I can't remember. Oh yeah, I don't like the way he runs.

Edu: But you've never seen him run?

Mikel: I've never seen him knit either but I'm betting he's not very good at it.

Edu: But we're not running a knitting club, Mikel.

Mikel: But do you know who we could sign if we were?

Edu: Who?
Mikel: John Yarne Riise. He played for Liverp...

Edu: I know who he is but what are you talking about?
Seriously.

Mikel: Nothing it was a joke. Jesus you're so serious.

Edu: Well he's a £27 million investment and you want to get rid of him for no reason.

Mikel: There is a reason.

Edu: Finally we're making progress. Okay what is the reason?

Mikel: He can't run for shite.

Edu: Okay but let's pretend he can run, which he can. What other reasons have we got to dump him?

Mikel: His mum died and he's not ready.

Edu: We've used that one already. He is ready. He's brilliant.

Mikel: Andriy Yarnolenko - there's another one.

Edu: Another what?

Mikel: Name we could sign if we were running a knitting club.

Edu: Okay but let's pretend we're running a football club for once.

Mikel: Oh hello Stan? What's that? You're sick of Edu and you want Thread Woodward hired? Me too!

Edu:

Mikel: Oh lighten up for God sake.

Edu: You aren't taking this very seriously. I'm trying to plan for next season.

Mikel: So am I. And I want Saliba gone.

Edu: And replaced with who out of a matter of interest?

Mikel:

Edu:

Mikel: Sew Campbell.

Edu:

Mikel: Oh god. It was a joke. Okay look. We're in agreement that Saliba must go but who would you like to replace him with?

Edu: Firstly I don't want him gone. Secondly, I do like Ben White.

Mikel: Look who's making names up now.

Edu: I'm not making him up?

Mikel: Good one. Should we get John Smith to play up front too? C'mon Edu this is no joke.

Edu: I'm not joking. I've seen him play. He plays for Brighton.

Mikel: You want to sign a Brighton player? Gross.

Edu: Not Gross, White. He's their defensive rock, their commandante . He organises everything. He runs sh*t in that back four and we need an organiser.

Mikel: Do you know who else runs sh*t?

Edu: William Saliba.

Mikel: Bingo. Finally we're on the same wavelength! Right that's it. Good meeting. I'm calling it there. Same time tomorrow. We're making progress. I can feel it.