By Shane
October 24 2020
The great thing about Arsene Wenger's new book is its not all about Hollywood Football, its not all Henry's and Ozils, we also learn about the water carriers and grafters. Shane read Arsene's book so you dont have to, and reviews some of the now forgotten moments not dealt with on the Graham Norton show, but I will leave it to Shane on Wenger's transfer dealings .....
I phoned downstairs to ask how the medical was going and Dick, our transfer fixer, said: "You won't believe this Arsene....but he's like Superman." And we needed him to be. This was midway through the 2013-14 season and Arsenal were a little bit jaded in our morale. "This is great, Dick," I said. "In what way is he like Superman? Is he immortal? Is he faster than a bullet? Is he exceptionally strong?" Dick took a few moments. "Maybe you should come down and see for yourself, Arsene."
When I got down to the clinic, I saw the player on the floor, beside a running treadmill, writhing around and sobbing with every tiny movement. "How's the medical going?" I asked the doctor. He nodded toward a black and white x-ray photo, with something contorted in the shape of an S on it. I have always been a big believer in signs. Now I knew what Dick was talking about - the S stood for Superman. "No," said the doctor. "What you're looking at is Kim's back - that's his spine. The spine is one-fifth of a way to spelling itself and the surrounding nerve endings are tangled like Christmas tree lights."
I must say, I was furious, especially with Dick. I took him out into the corridor of the Wilshere wing. "This is not Superman," I tell him. Me and Dick often operated a little bit on a different wavelength. I ask him to sign a Croatian player from Middlesbrough many years ago and he came back with Boro Primorac. I could see this being another mix-up. "This player is not Superman, not physically extraordinary in any way," I reiterated. "It was the doctor, Arsene...." he explained. "He said this would be like signing Christopher Reeve after his accident."
I was even more furious. "You should not have described him as Superman," I tell him. "This is not a man of steel." Dick pauses. "He will be when we get the rods and screws and metal plates into him to keep his spine linear," he said. Dick had a point. Dick always had a point. If you ask me now if he was qualified to fix transfers for Arsenal, I tell you honestly, no, but he always had a good idea. I now felt optimistic that if we sign Kim, he would be available for Swansea at home on Wednesday. We go back into the clinic at London Colney and Kim is tugging at the doctor's trouser leg and demanding to be shot. In this moment he remind me of Benny the horse from my childhood in Strasbourg. My father Alphonse shot Benny with his Thompson machine gun from the war. I felt it was excessive.
In this moment I vow that no matter how useless something is, no matter how finished it is, no matter how pointless it is, I will give it a chance. An hour later we sign Kim to an £85,000-a-week deal over six months. I must say, Dick played a little bit of a blinder here by including a number of incentive-related bonuses. Every time Kim stood up straight, he got an additional £10,000.
And the rest, as you say in England, is history. We won our first trophy in nine years after signing Kim - the FA Cup, which was my fifth - and his seven minutes in extra time against Wigan was a little bit massive for us. He also got a pre-pre-pre assist in our 2-1 defeat by Swansea at home.
After the FA Cup final, Prince William congratulated me on my achievement and asked how Kim was. He had missed the game due to an unforeseen back injury. "Well, he'll come back stronger," said William. "Not all super heroes wear capes." I said "William, you don't know the half."
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Quote:Bit of Editor's licence there Shane. Yes I think we can count on it that Kim's story isnt there - but he is probably no where near being our worst signingShane
Thank you Plonky. I haven't actually read the book Padre but there's probably about 200 stories that should be there that aren't and I thought it'd be funny if this is one of them.
Quote:Boston Gooner
Wenger's done you all again lol