By Albatross
July 22 2003

Not enough time to read the full month-by-month review? Join Pools Online for the alternative version of Hartlepool United's promotion-winning 2002/3 campaign. Beware, seriously warped humour within....

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July

Pools play in Holland and score 24 goals in 2 games. Taff Williams and Jim Provett are surprisingly not mentioned in the match reports after keeping clean sheets, but it is soon revealed that one of the opposition strikers was none other than Ton "better than Gabbiadini" Kaak. This means it all makes sense.

Darlington make an approach for Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne, and a traumatised Gazza phones Goffy in despair: surely he hasn't sunk this low?

Chris Turner is linked to every job going including the vacant position of Man Utd's Tea Lady. He denies all rumours: "I've got a job to finish at Hartlepool", he tells anyone who'll listen. The Sheffield Wednesday Chairman immediately starts working out how much it will cost to get rid of Terry Yorath.

CT is disappointed to lose out on the Manager of the Month award when he discovers that it's not awarded until the season has actually started.

August

Pools make a great start to the campaign by beating a hurriedly-assembled Carlisle team. Roddy Collins uses this as a spur to sign another five players, but it all ends in tears when it's discovered that one of them is in fact a Brickie who happened to be wandering past Brunton Park. This pattern continues throughout the season.

Darlington attempt to sign Faustino Asprilla. The deal falls through though after Tino discovers he'll be expected to play at Feethams, and not at the new stadium he'd heard so much about, and also that he won't be playing with other stars in the future: it seems he thought GR was saying "Heskey Later".

Despite having the best record in August, Chris Turner fails to win Manager of the Month. The reason is apparently because Terry Dolan of York has come up with the best answer in the Tie Break "I should win the Manager of the Month because...." question, with his answer "the fans don't want to sack me any more."

September

Darlington Winger Phil Hadland claims to have a game plan that will help his side win the derby game at Victoria Park. Unfortunately for him, he's substituted with the score at 3-1 to Pools just as he's about to put it into action. Distraught, he leaves the club shortly after. Gordon Watson breaks his leg in the same match, but decides not to sue Matt Clarke; apparently with his own goal record, Flash would have a hard time proving that the Darlington defender wasn't trying to go for Ritchie Humphreys instead.

Swansea and Boston both seem to have got rid of their managers after playing each other; however Neil Thompson stays at Boston when he discovers that it was actually the Swansea Board that had told him he wasn't needed any longer, after they walked into the wrong dressing room.

Pools suffer their last home league defeat of the season, against Rushden and Diamonds: meanwhile, Chris Turner continues to tell anyone that will listen that he's not leaving the club. Sheffield Wednesday continue to work out whether they can afford to get rid of Yorath.

Chris Turner is disappointed not to win Manager of the Month when the committee decide that we should have beaten Rushden and instead give it to Denis Smith, after his tie-breaker: "I should win the Manager of the Month because it will help erase the memories of the Stigma of losing to Hartlepool all those years ago."

October

Chris Turner signs Marcus Richardson from Torquay: Leroy Rosenior decides to ban any more Torquay players from scoring against Pools until Turner leaves. Sunderland sack Peter Reid; Turner immediately tells anyone that will listen that he's no intention of leaving the club, and that he has a job to finish at Hartlepool United.

Pools play Bournemouth on Sky TV: unfortunately the wind from speeches at the Tory Party conference that week means conditions are awful. Pools lose the game after Barron is sent off and the wind prevents clearances leaving their own half. Ian Duncan-Smith gets the blame.

Tommy Taylor gets the sack from Darlington when it is discovered that he is in fact useless. Leyton Orient fans nod in agreement, and offer Paul Brush to Darlington as a replacement. Instead, Reynolds appoints Mick Tait as "caretaker". Tait is delighted, and sets off in pursuit of his own record for most draws in a season.

Chris Turner signs Brian Barry-Murphy on loan, in a desperate attempt to signal that he has no intention of leaving the club. Sheffield Wednesday finally sack Terry Yorath. CT shows his qualifications for the job by losing 5-0 at Tranmere in the LDV Cup: cunningly, he doesn't tell them it was the reserves playing, and Wednesday think he'll fit right in.

CT again misses out on the Manager of the Month award, after Kidderminster's Ian Britton wins with his tie-break effort: "I should win the Manager of the Month because I do everything around here."

November

There is shock when it is announced that Sheffield Wednesday might appoint someone other than Chris Turner, and Peter Reid and George Burley are linked to the job. However this turns out to be merely rumour and CT does indeed join his former club. Pools fans breathe a sigh of relief that we will finally not have our manager linked with every job going, and start speculating about replacements.

Colin West takes temporary charge, before the appointment of Mike Newell frees him to join Sheffield Wednesday in a totally expected move. Unexpectedly, Martin Scott stays at the club and doesn't join the gang at Hillsborough.

After a winning start to his career at Pools, Mike Newell is disappointed to lose out in the Manager of the Month award when the committee decide that you have to have been in charge for the whole month; instead it goes to Brian Talbot.

December

Pools get into the Christmas Spirit by giving struggling Rochdale some gifts at Spotland, with Taff in especially generous mood.

Carlisle and Scunthorpe are feeling much less generous though, and when their inability to decide their cup tie at the first attempt gives them the opportunity to play on Sky - provided Pools move their game against the Scunners - John Courtenay complains bitterly when Pools ask for some compensation. The freezing conditions in Cumbria end up leaving everyone out of pocket, although it seemed to make a number of Carlisle fans very happy.

Pools take part in the first competetive game at Hull's new ground, but try and spoil the occasion by making the game as uncompetetive as possible, before finishing the month off with a win over Cambridge that reclaimed top spot. This was not enough to win Mike Newell Manager of the Month, as the committee were unimpressed with our generosity to other teams during the festive season.

January

Brian Barry-Murphy is recalled before the Carlisle game when it is discovered he is an agent of Roddy Collins; Pools were made suspicious by the fact that depite Brian's obvious Irishness, Collins had made no move to sign him.

Macclesfield proved that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery when they try having a huddle before the second half of our game at Moss Rose: however some sabotage by the Pools Fans who started singing "The Hokey Cokey" spoils it's effects and HUFC win the game.

Mike Newell wins Manager of the Month when the committee realise that they can't come up with a reason not to give it to him; Poolies everywhere prepare for "the curse" to strike.

February

After an appeal to help clear the pitch of snow meets with a great response, the final part of the white stuff is removed by playing some of Tony Blair's speeches at it: the impassioned hot air clears the layers in no time to allow Pools to chalk up another win over Torquay. The match is one of only a few in the region to go ahead, Darlington's traditional approach to pitch problems failing when the worms freeze to death.

Pools shock the nation when they completely fail to lose their televised game at York: Poolie Pride is only salvaged by Michael Ingham in the City goal who helps keep the game goalless.

Mike Newell is disappointed to lose out on the Manager of the Month award when the committee decide that he should give someone else a go and instead pass the award to Bournemouth.

March

In front of a large Derby Day crowd at Feethams, Darlington celebrate wildly after taking another step nearer to the all-time draw record. Things don't go according to plan though, and they manage just two more to finish with 18 for the season.

A shell-shocked Pools lose to Lincoln, Wrexham and Bristol Rovers, after the revelation that they are now within touching-distance of the title leaks out into the press.

Gordon Watson makes his comeback to first-team action after angrily denying rumours that he'd offered bus-driving lessons to Mike Newell.

Mike Newell is disappointed to lose out on the Manager of the Month award when the committee decided that his team haven't played well enough. There is outrage that they have made a decision so obviously based around performances on the pitch, defying all previous convention.

April

The fans are shocked at revelations that the team may defy tradition and win promotion with more than two games to go.

Promotion is finally achieved with three games to spare, but to help Pools fans adjust they lose the game at Scunthorpe 4-0, just to make sure no-one gets too excited.

Rushden look likely to win the title before the last day, but they are also under instructions to keep things going to the final game and fail to beat Orient, setting up a final day showdown.

Mike Newell is disappointed to lose out on the Manager of the Month award when the committee give the award to Denis Smith to help him cope with the stigma of being beaten by Hartlepool back in October.

May

Kevin Ratcliffe resigns after leading Shrewsbury into the Conference; "We had a successful season except for the League" says the former Everton defender the following day. Managers all over the country in danger of losing their jobs write it down for future use.

In the title decider, Pools miss out when it is ruled the vocal support from the ranks of travelling fans does NOT count as a goal start after all. As Rushden celebrate with the trophy, the ghostly figure of David May - often seen at trophy presentations though nobody is quite sure why - makes a guest appearance.

Mike Newell and Chris Turner are both disappointed to miss out on the Manager of the Year award, which instead goes to Denis Smith, who is struggling to cope with the stigma of finishing behind Hartlepool United in the league.