By Matthew Jones
September 22 2002

Useless facts about things that only happen in Britain, Very weird English Laws, Funny ICT Jokes and a collection of very stupid quotes. Only In Britain...

Only in Britain……do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain……do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage

Only in Britain……do banks leave the doors open but chain their pens to the counter

Only in Britain……do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, but a DIET coke

Only in Britain……are there disabled parking places in front of an ice rink

Only in Britain……do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight

Only in Britain………can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

Only in Britain……do we use an answering machine to trace calls and then have calling waiting, so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

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Stupid English Laws...

A Chelsea Pensioner may not be impersonated.

You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight.

According to British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offence. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

It is illegal for two prostitutes to live in the same house.

The phrase “rule of thumb” is taken from the old English law stating that a husband could not beat his wife with anything thicker than his thumb.

Upon sight of a Scotsman, it is still legal to shoot him with a bow and arrow, except on Sundays.

In Britain it is the law that every male aged between 10 and 18 must meet on a Sunday morning at the village green in order to practice archery.

Most goods may not be sold on a Sunday - with the exception of carrots.

A bed may not be hung out of a window

Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.

All English men over 14 should carry out two hours (or so) of longbow practice a week, supervised by the local clergy.

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IT Jokes...

Bill Meets Satan

Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

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Funny Sign Quotes...

1. In a Drycleaner’s shop “Drop your pants here “

2. In a Veterinary surgery “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

3. In a non-smoking area “If we see you smoking, we will assume you’re on fire and take appropriate action”

4. At the front of a Funeral Directors “Drive carefully, we’ll wait!”

5. At a Car Showroom “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment”

6. Inside a Bowling Alley “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop”

7. On a garden fence “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive”

8. In a Restaurant window “Don’t just stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up”

9. In an Optician’s window “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place”

10. On a front door “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except for the dog”

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The following gaffs were dictated by doctors and taken from original medical records

1. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
2. The patient has no past history of suicides
3. The patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
4. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
5. She is numb from her toes down
6. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room
7. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
8. Discharge Status: Alive, but without permission
9. The patient refused an autopsy
10. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1982.
11. Discharge Status: Healthy appearing decrepit 72-year-old female, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. The patient has chest pain if he lies on his right side for over a year.
13. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches
14. He had no shaking chills or rigors but his wife said that he was very hot in bed last night.

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Footy Quotes

52,000 people here at Maine Road tonight, but my goodness me, it seems like 50,000
Byron Butler

Plenty of goals in Divisions 3 & 4 today. Darlington nil, Hereford nil.
Radio 2

There were two second division matches last night, both in the second division
Dominic Allen

The margin is very marginal
Bobby Robson

Portsmouth are at Huddersfield, which is always away
Jimmy Greaves

Believe it or not, goals can change a game
Mike Channon

Everything in our favour was against us
Danny Blanchflower

Not the first half you might have expected, even though the score might suggest that it was
John Motson

I don't know if that result's enough to lift Birmingham off the bottom of the table, although it'll certainly take them above Sunderland
Mike Ingham


eMAil me any more that I can add.