By Nick R + Matt J
April 1 2005

It was less than 24 hours ago that Newcastle United captain and hero, Alan Shearer confirmed that he would be staying on for another season, but in a bizarre twist, it now looks highly unlikely that the striker will pull on a Toon shirt again - meaning that Jackie Milburns record will NOT be broken.

The England-legend was just 9 goals off equalling Jackie Milburn’s all time Newcastle scoring record, and then, was planning to retire - at the end of next season.

 

It seemed very likely he would break the record as the Magpies have 9 league games remaining and are still in the UEFA Cup and FA Cup.

 

But complete and utter stupidity on the striker’s part has cost him, and Newcastle, big time.

 

Driving to a press conference this morning, Big Al' was estimated to be driving at 50mph in a 30mph zone. It is thought that as the ex-England-captain went over a speed bump he negated to see, the force as which he hit caused the car to jump and consequently, Shearer smacking his head onto the roof of the car.

 

This sent Shearer into a daze who, although decelerating, crashed into a lamppost at 25mph. The striker’s goalscoring legs became trapped as the bonnet screwed up and when he was eventually cut out and x-rayed at the hospital, the worst was discovered.

 

The £15 million signing from Blackburn has, despite whiplash, concussion and a few cuts and bruises, fully fractured the kneecap; an injury which will see him never play football again.

 

Shearer will have to undergo surgery and 12 months of rehabilitation and physiotherapy.

 

Reporters were waiting for Shearer as he left the hospital on crutches.

 

Shearer said:

 

“April Fool”

 

 

(This story was prepared before last nights news of the one year extension, but I couldn't be bothered to write a new one, so that explains how unlikely this would be in the first place!)