By Sulla
March 3 2005

Last weeks FA cup victory over Chelsea allowed me the chance to interview two, life long Chelsea fans. This for me, was an exciting opportunity, because previous to last season, I had never actually met a Chelsea fan, and the away section of St James Park, was always eerily quiet whenever Chelsea came to visit.

In fact I used to have a friend, who suffered from a psychological fear of crowds, so we used to put him in the away section, during Chelsea games, so he could experience the feeling of being truly alone. Unfortunately he now has to seek expensive private treatment to recreate, that depth of loneliness, now. Tell me Mr Abramovich, have you even considered how your millions have affected people like Gerald? Well I hope you can sleep at night is all I can say.

Anyway back to the two lifelong Chelsea fans Tarquin and Jeremy:

Sulla: ‘So tell me how long exactly have you been Chelsea fans?’

Tarquin: ‘Oh I go back to almost the start of the season, life long Chelsea fan me, been supporting Chelsea ever since I stopped being a life long Arsenal fan, Jeremy even longer.’

Jeremy: ‘That’s right I used to go and sit on my dads knee.’

Sulla: ‘How old were you at your first game then Jeremy, must have been fairly young to be on your dads knee?’

Jeremy: ‘Oh it was just last season, I am just not good around the working class, I find they smell funny, we occasionally get them in the Salon, don’t we Tarquin?’

Tarquin: ‘We do Jeremy, frightful people; luckily you don’t get them at the Bridge anymore, not like when I was a life long Arsenal fan.’

Jeremy: ‘Yes having to visit Manchester was one of the reasons I gave up being a life long Man Utd fan. I mean you think they could move the stadium a bit closer to their hard core, perhaps Seven Oaks, or anywhere away from that dreadful Manchester place.’

Sulla: ‘So what did you think of today’s game?’

Tarquin:’ Well I was disgusted.’

Jeremy: ‘Appalled would be a better word.’ I mean for a start, no-one said I would have to come to Scotland and secondly, what was all that white stuff about, I tried snorting it and got a cold nose.’

Tarquin: ‘Not to mention……..

Unfortunately the interview was halted at this point, when I was forced to club both of them to death.