By James Bassett
October 24 2005

Drug bans, rape charges, refereeing errors and some French idiocy. It was certainly an exciting weekend in the Premiership. And what’s more, because of Football Manager 2006 and Pro Evolution Soccer 5, I’m whacking out this column in the early hours of Monday morning. So let’s crack on, shall we?
Let’s do this……………
“All my days are moving faster and it’s making me feel dizzy.”

Feeble-minded peroxide addict Abel Xavier has incurred an immediate global ban from football, subject to a disciplinary hearing after failing a drugs test.

Middlesbrough confirmed that the 32-year-old bungler was tested following their UEFA Cup tie with FC Xanthi in September and his urine sample came back positive. Since the test followed a UEFA Cup tie, Xavier’s plight falls under UEFA jurisdiction.

Which hasn’t stopped Gordon Taylor - the man who called Rio Ferdinand’s punishment “draconian” - chipping in with, “It could be anything from six months to two years.” Who says the PFA are more interested in helping the big clubs?

In a prepared statement, Xavier vowed to prove his innocence. “I currently have – and this is not easy – to furnish scientific and factual proof to establish that if a prohibited substance is found in my body, this is by no means because I would have had the intention to ‘dope’ myself. I have never had this intention,” he droned as the newly aggressive Massimo Maccarone twitched uneasily in the background.

“This positive test result was found in the A-sample. In the course of next week, the B-sample will be analysed,” Xavier continued, while attempting to grab at nearby straws.

Meanwhile, Steve McClaren gave his support to Xavier adding, “He is protesting his innocence vehemently at the moment. I spoke to him today and he’s in fairly good spirits.” Well, drugs will do that for you, won’t they?

“I wanna stop barking up the wrong tree.”

Following Boro’s poor 1-1 draw with relegation-threatened Portsmouth on Saturday, Steve McClaren responded to vocal criticism from the home fans.

“Have I been hurt by the criticism? Yes, I have. We were fourth-top scorers in the league last season. I never want to be accused of being negative,” he sobbed, failing to recognize that selling the club’s most attacking midfielder and leaving its two best strikers on the bench might have something to do with it.

“We’re delighted with our away form, but we are struggling at home. We need to find the right blend.” Playing your best players in their positions should do it, Steve.

“If I'm just a pussy, that’s okay cos in a few months maybe I’ll put out something good.”

A Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink goal was enough to secure Middlesbrough a 1-0 win over Grasshoppers in the UEFA Cup on Thursday. It meant that, just as last season, Boro started their group campaign with three points, but the impressive Swiss side could easily have taken a point from the game.

The game started slowly, but after exchanging passes with Mark Viduka, Doriva found Hasselbaink and the Dutchman finished with a side-foot effort from fifteen yards. Only nine minutes had gone and Boro began to dominate. Mark Viduka forced Fabio Colorti to make a decent save with about fifteen minutes played.

Grasshoppers began to improve and saw a Riberio Eduardo goal ruled out. Mark Schwarzer spilled the initial shot but the linesman decreed that Eduardo had been offside at the time. Replays showed that the assistant referee had been kind to Boro, a trend that would not carry on throughout the week.

Memories of Boro’s bright start began to fade as Scott Sutter, Eduardo and Antonio Dos Santos all wasted good chances in the closing stages of the first half. At the other end, Szilard Nemeth (on the left wing, for fuck’s sake!) tripped over the ball when presented with a good opportunity. Earlier, the Slovakian miss merchant had skewed the ball wide with the goal at his mercy.

Boro’s attacking threat in the second half was all but non-existent as Grasshoppers sought an equaliser. Ricardo Cabanas forced two saves from Schwarzer and Eduardo should have done better with a free header. Schwarzer, atoning for his earlier error, dived well to deny Luis Rogerio. Some excellent defending in the final minutes from Chris Riggott and Gareth Southgate ensured that Boro left Switzerland with maximum points.

“Saw the gypsy she was tipsy, crystal ball full of whiskey.”

One Boro fan who isn’t happy with Boro’s form at the moment is Steve Gibson. Having watched his club booed off the pitch at The Riverside in every match, bar the victory over Arsenal, the Middlesbrough Chairman said, “I’m aware there’s a build-up of frustration about our performances at home. Speaking as a fan and as Chairman, I’m not happy with the way we’ve been playing.”

“We have a good, honest manager in Steve McClaren but he is not the finished article yet. You have to learn from your mistakes.” he said as McClaren frantically scratched the words Owen and Hargreaves from his January sales shopping list.

“The fans are absolutely essential to us and I haven’t got a problem with the criticism that is being directed at us. We are aware of it, we do talk about it, it does hurt us and we are actively trying to find a way forward. We are 2,000 fans down on last year."

"If people are not entertained, they are not going to come,” Gibson carped, probably not anticipating that McClaren’s response would be to play Matthew Bates at right back and the mouth-watering partnership of George Boateng and Doriva in central midfield.

“My mind keeps shouting and it never gets a sore throat.”

One of the most ludicrous refereeing decisions in Premiership history consigned Boro to a 2-1 defeat at Upton Park on Sunday afternoon.

Boro began brightly but failed to test Shaka Hislop with a pair of free kicks that Gaizka Mendieta skied and Fabio Rochemback lashed into the wall. After fifteen minutes, Massimo Maccarone should have done better with a header from a Mendieta cross but failed to test the Trinidadian goalkeeper.

West Ham started to impose themselves and Yossi Benayoun became especially influential. His jinking run past Emanuel Pogatetz and George Boateng nearly resulted in a goal but Chris Riggott blocked the eventual shot. Minutes later, the Israeli international curled a deft effort just wide of Schwarzer’s far post.

Only half an hour in, Steve McClaren was forced to remove Gareth Southgate, who had picked up a head injury and introduce the out of favour Franck Queudrue with Pogatetz moving to the centre-back.

Without a natural leader at the back, West Ham began to pile on the pressure. Bobby Zamora wasted a good chance and Hayden Mullins went close with a left-foot volley.

Nigel Reo-Coker thought he had given The Hammers the lead after flicking the ball in after a good run by Marlon Harewood, but his effort was ruled out for offside. As the first half came to an end, Boro began to reassert themselves and Yakubu had a shot deflected wide.

Boro came out unchanged for the second half and Yakubu forced Hislop into a save just minutes in. It took a goal line clearance from Queudrue to deny Benayoun a deserved goal after he rounded Schwarzer.

Soon after, Alan Pardew replaced the useless Bobby Zamora with Teddy Sheringham and the veteran immediately made his mark by converting a Paul Konchesky cross with his left foot.

West Ham continued to be the better side and were awarded a second goal by the unsighted, pathetic and quite useless linesman. Chris Riggott inadvertently directed Konchesky’s free kick towards goal but Schwarzer got down to make the save.

The linesman, who will have hopefully hung himself after watching last night’s MOTD2, suddenly flagged as most of the West Ham players were running back towards the halfway line to defend Schwarzer’s goal kick and referee Steve Bennett decided to award a goal.

Mark Schwarzer was left with the look of a man who has just been charged £1.50 to take a tenner out of a bank machine and George Boateng was booked for his protests.

The ‘goal’ completely took the wind out of Boro’s sails but they managed to pull back a late consolation as Franck Queudrue headed in Rochemback’s in-swinging corner.

The Skinny

Since I was positioned closer to the incident than the referee’s assistant, I feel qualified to comment on one of the most farcical decisions I’ve ever witnessed at a football match. Granted, Schwarzer made a meal of the initial save, but the ball had easily stopped short of crossing the line.

The issue of goal-line technology must surely be raised and there is absolutely no reason why a game awash with money can’t introduce a system that is already employed by tennis, American football and ice hockey.

The rules stipulating offsides and even fouls are open to interpretation and are therefore a matter of opinion, but whether a ball crosses a line or not, is a matter of fact. Yesterday, the facts were not upheld.

If a linesman standing thirty feet away or a referee ten feet away can’t make the correct decision, then we must introduce a goal line sensor.

Even so, West Ham fully deserved their win. If Steve McClaren’s answer to his Chairman’s call for entertainment is to play the rugged but unambitious Matthew Bates at right-back, Emanuel Pogatetz in preference to the league’s best left back, Franck Queudrue, the hard-working but ultimately ineffective Maccarone ahead of Hasselbaink or Viduka and Fabio Rochemback on the left wing, then the relationship between the two Steves is likely to be an uneasy one for the next few months.

And with that……….