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The Sharpened Stud was very much to the fore in this
final issue of the season. Never mind Ernie Walker's think tank - you could have saved
yourself loadsa money by hiring the Stud. His plan to save Scottish soccer included the
following: castration for anyone slagging QP players, eleven tims for the Rangers first
team, the red hand of Ulster flag to fly over Parkhead, the Pope to be the major
shareholder at Ibrox, no offside at Arbroath or Stirling, every Scottish club to play at
least one Brazilian, closure of any newspaper failing to mention the Second Division, no
more Country & Western records to be played over the PA at any ground, no artificial
pitches, removing the accumulation of corpses out of Albion Rovers toilets, St. Johnstone
selling edible pies, no more pinstripe designs on strips, all Edinburgh fans to be vetted
for AIDS and a full head of hair for all QP supporters. This man was a visionary! |
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For some time the QP Committee had been concerned about
the behaviour of some of the Queen's supporters, particularly at home games. There had
been complaints of over-excessively foul and abusive language and the Committee pledged to
do something about it. However, once it was established that the source of the vitriol was
the home dugout, attention was turned to the more vociferous of our supporters instead.
Indeed it was even rumoured that "spies" were being discreetly placed in an
attempt to identify specific individuals who would then be called before the Committee to
explain themselves. The cover of the first issue of the new season captures the mood of
the supporters to this news perfectly, and full credit once again to Alick Milne for doing
a superb job. |
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This month's Player Focus featured Stevie Ross and we
quickly learned that the former St. Gregory's pupil used to be on Celtic's books as an 'S'
form before being freed by Billy McNeill. Stevie's uncle was a professional footballer
himself, but before you try to work out who he might have been, save yourselves the bother
because it was in Rhodesia during the late 1960's! Stevie admitted that he would always be
haunted by THAT goal, and that it would never, never ever happen again. For those who need
reminding it was the last day of the season and a (thankfully) meaningless game at Firs
Park against East Stirlingshire. He was the only player in the Queen's half when he went
to collect a long clearance which ended up at his left corner flag. As he turned to face
upfield, he was being closed down by a solitary East Stirling striker and opted to square
the ball to Jimmy Boyle instead of putting it out for a throw in. Has any other player
ever scored an own goal from the corner flag, let alone a goalkeeper? Even more amazing,
Eddie Hunter never mentioned the incident once! |
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This was a landmark issue and ran to 32 pages. The
reason? Because it should have been Off The Ball no. 9 but
Editor Iain Campbell sensibly decided that if there wasn't enough articles to make a good
handbook, he'd make up for it with a bumper edition of The Web.
The cover left a lot to be desired but there were goodies a-plenty inside. "For
Collectors Only" was a long-running feature which reviewed other clubs programmes
each month and indeed, provided a "Programme Of The Year" award at the end of
the season. Previous recipients of the coveted momento included Forfar and Hamilton.
Anyway, this month the article concentrated on fanzines and lamented the demise of
"Jagazine", the Partick Thistle fanzine which had followed "Cheers" to
its grave. However, Meadowbank fans were still represented by "A.W.O.L." which
was primarily aimed at members of their Brake Club. |
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Sales had been declining but there was one sure way to
prevent the magazine from slowly sinking into obscurity and the Club were only too happy
to oblige, albeit without realising the implications. Secretary Jim Rutherford had written
to Iain Campbell on 19th January, 1988 to advise that The Web
had now joined fanzine's elite and sales would now be prohibited within the boundaries of
the Club's property. Not since the days of "Spycatcher" had a publication become
so sought after and sellers at the top of the road found that people often bought several
copies so that they could then pass them on to their friends inside the stadium. The
Club's letter, though poorly reproduced here, made for a unique cover though! Inside, the
Editorial revealed that the reason for the ban was because the Club wished to distance
themselves as far as possible from the criticism of other clubs. Would The Stud tone down
his articles in future? Thankfully not! |
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Emphasising the resurgence caused by the Club's ban, the
next issue also weighed in at a healthy 32 pages. Everyone's favourite Committee member
David Letham adorned the cover and he was also the subject of a special feature inside. A
lot is made of the fact that today's top footballers earn a fortune compared with their
counterparts from over 50 years ago, but david put things in perspective nicely by
revealing that, during 1947-46 season, he turned down offers from several clubs to turn
professional. Aberdeen offered him £5,000 to sign as a part-timer which would allow him
to keep his job as a school master. It may not sound like a lot of money nowadays, but
then £1,000 bought you a detached bungalow in Newton Mearns. At today's house prices, by
my reckoning that's not that short of £1M. Whatever you think of the man, his loyalty to
the Club cannot be faulted. |
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The team of 1987/88 had a magnificent end to the season
and finished a very respectable third in the table. In doing so, as the newsdesk informed
us, they equalled the championship winning team of 1955/56 by winning 11 games away
from home, and also equalled the best ever haul of points (25) in a season away from
Hampden. To prove that it's a funny old game, they also won their last game of the season
to achieve 51 points; one more than the total which won us the championship in 1980/81.
Little wonder that, although they had nothing to show for it, many regarded the team of
Ross, Boyle, McLaughlin, McNamee, Elder, P.McLean, Caven, Armstrong, P.O'Brien, Hendry and
Elliott so highly. Particularly impressive is the fact that this was a team which was
constructed out of the ashes of the one that included Jimmy Nicholson, Kenny Brannigan,
Mark Smith and Ian McCall just 2 years before. |
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This issue was a favourite of many, if only for the
lurid tales which our scribes had brought home with them after a bunch of supporters had
decided to follow the team on their mini pre-season tour of the highlands. You may recall
that this was the occasion when Caven's winner against Lossiemouth spawned Supremo's
classic headline, "Rossy sinks Lossy!" Anyway, all the off-field action centre
around our very own Mr. 'T', David Tate. First of all, so we were informed, he was unable
to provide any explanation why "well known shirt-lifter" (it says here) Michael
Higgins had visited his room on three separate occasions during the night. Next, after
ostensibly locking himself out of his room the following morning, he climbed half way up a
set of ladders before perching motionless and refusing to budge. Thankfully Keith
McAllister was able to coax him down before going up and climbing through the open window
himself. Shame there's not enough space to tell you about the "leather pyjamas"
incident though! |
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Anyone who read this issue, couldn't help but be moved
to tears upon reading the latest article from The Sharpened Stud. "Ah this is the one
which contained the news that Alex Miller's vicious tackle from behind had finished John
McGregor's career as arthritis had now set in," I can almost hear you cry. And you'd
be right, but that's not the reason for the tears. No, the big Jessie had written a poem.
To many who idolised The Stud, this was the equivalent of watching Dirty Harry mow down
all the bad guys only to discover as the camera followed him back to his apartment that he
was a cross dresser. Okay, so the poem was a tribute to Joe Jordan, and no finer subject
matter could there be, but that would be missing the point. To a readership who had tried
to bury the memories of Dan Smith and Jock, for The Stud to bring them flooding back was
nothing short of disgraceful. Life would just never be quite the same again! |
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Happy birthday! The Web was 50
issues old this month and long-serving editor Iain Campbell compiled a "bumper
jubilee issue" (48 pages) to mark the occasion. Alick Milne (as only he could)
produced another cracker of a cover, and one which pushed back the barriers of good taste
just a little bit further again. Much of the content had been culled from previous issues,
and indeed has already been featured in this series of reviews, but there were some new
articles too. Dave Hilley was now a resident of London and, in an effort to keep in touch
with all the goings on, had visited Sportspages in Charing Cross, only to be told it had
sold out. Somewhat sarcastically he enquired, "How many copies do you usually
sell?" "About a hundred", came the sincere reply from the owner, who then
had to act swiftly to help a bemused Hilley back onto his feet. It's amazing what people
will hide under their plastic macs when they come out of a bookshop. |
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Keith McAllister brought a smile to the faces of many
with his tribute to Michael Higgins under the banner of "Great Scottish Sporting
Moments". Whilst, due to the passage of time, some articles are best re-told in
modern narrative, this absolutely demands to be quoted verbatim. Let me set the scene
first of all. The day - Saturday, 30th April, 1983. The place - Somerset Park, Ayr.
Queen's were 0-3 down and Keith and Michael were standing in the queue at the pie stall
when a wayward QP pass headed in Higgy's direction and he found himself holding the match
ball. "An Ayr player jogged towards us for its return, but our burly hero hesitated
and said, 'Aw **** it!', and tried to boot the ball out of the ground. Anyone who knows of
his (tee-hee) football prowess will not be surprised that the ball failed to clear the
wall and bounced back into the crowd. The place erupted with the Ayr fans howling at him.
He just gave them his customary two-fingered salute and told them where to go before
resuming his place in the queue as if nothing had happened." Will we ever se his like
again? |
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The bold young Michael had shrugged off that unfortunate
episode by the time of the next issue and was relating another one which, due to the
nature of the story, forced him to admit that his pre-QP allegiances had lain with another
Glasgow club who favoured the wearing of hoops (and no, they weren't from Maryhill!). It
would appear that Higgy had been the proud possessor of a 3' (own up, who else was tempted
to shout "life-size"?) Jimmy Johnstone blow-up doll, and he had hatched a
cunning plan to bring it back into use. "With one of my usual flashes of brilliance,
I decided to paint the green hoops black. This was no easy task and took me three hours to
finish. I left it in the corner of the room and went away feeling pleased with myself. I
went back later that night and found that it had been deliberately deflated, still wet, by
my younger brother. All my hard work had been ruined in seconds as the whole thing had
deflated and stuck fast, looking like a burst football." Ah well, at least it saved
Michael from getting black paint in a place where it would have been hard to get off and
even harder to explain! |
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They say that all good things must come to an end and
Henry Jones was the first to break the news that Editor Iain Campbell was hanging up his
typewriter after this issue (ostensibly to drink professionally for Scotland). Elsewhere,
many of this issues articles related to the Hillsborough disaster. Keith McAllister
berated those photographers who were so busy trying to gain exclusive snaps that they
didn't even stop to think that, because of their privileged position on the pitch side of
the fence, they might have been able to help had they put them down. In any event, as he
rightly pointed out, "Surely a human being should have, above all, the right to die
with dignity?" Derek Stronach used the disaster to focus attention on an even greater
pressure being brought to bear on clubs to build all seater stadia and found Rae Simpson
to be an easy target for Hampden's then state of dilapidation. Gordon Lang tried to put
things in perspective by claiming that Shankly had got it wrong and that football could
now never be considered more important than life or death. It seems so long ago. |
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The new man in the hot seat was none other than Alan
Rhodes and he maintained the 32 page format for his first issue. Paul "Beastie"
McLaughlin was one of the most idolised players at the Club for some time, so it was
understandable that there was more than a little resentment at Celtic's ability to sign
him at the end of the season for nothing. Queen's amateur status was hardly Billy
McNeill's fault but, hey, what a good excuse for an effective cover. Mr. Rhodes was also
the first to latch onto the fact that Queen's would be unsponsored for the forthcoming
season. Or, as he put it, "After 1½ years with the
Glorious hoops being ruined by a grotty paints company ad, Queen's have been allowed to
play in a real jersey." No-one who knew the man doubted for a minute that he would
ever mince his words. The future was definitely looking Rhodsie! |
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The example shown by the new Editor in the previous
issue was quickly followed up by two of his brethren. Firstly "Tubs" was
bemoaning the press for their lack of appreciation of the quality of football capable of
being produced (albeit less consistently than the bigger clubs) by lower league teams.
Citing phrases like "the plucky part-timers" and "the battling
amateurs", he went on to ask, "Am I the only person who cringes when I hear
these patronising comments?" Well yes, Tubs, actually you probably are, unless of
course we get to hear them at the same time as you do. On the same page Martin Harvey was
laying into the standard of Scottish referees (oh the irony of having a dad who was an SFA
appointed match official!). As young Marty boy put it, " players don't want some arse
of a ref who trains for a couple of hours per week making a fool of himself." And to
think that that was during the time of his "mellow years"! |
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Well, who'd have though it? An article from the Vicar
himself, Stewart Hendry. Even more impressive, it was in joined up writing and (for the
most part) actually made sense. Six Queen's fans had made the trip to Paris to take in a
France v Scotland World Cup qualifying game and quite an entertaining account it was too,
even if we didn't find out how Jim McKnight, Steven Stormonth and Martin Harvey had fared
in the red light district. Do tell Marty, how much did you make? This issue also featured
several excellent quality photos (something of a novelty for this publication), with the
stand-outs being the one of Norrie Walker lighting a candle for Scotland's big match hopes
at Notre Dame Cathedral, while elsewhere David Tate was seen cast as a sad and solitary
figure at the bar of an empty Social Club under the heading of "any Saturday night at
10.40pm". Surely things weren't quite that bad? |
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Henry Jones was in his finest form this month. First to
be on the receiving end of his ribald humour was none other than the Editor himself.
"After his performance at A.K.C.Harvey's New Year party, Alan Rhodes is to get a new
job as a bus driver.....a porcelain bus! I would have loved to have seen young Martin
Harvey trying to clear up the mess with a mop in the wee small hours." Henry also
reported that John Richmond had been out at New Year for a meal with his wife and a few
friends. "Melon for my starter waiter," he confidently announced. "Would
Sir like some ginger with his melon?" replied the waiter. "No thanks," said
John. "I had a bottle of Irn Bru before I came out". Fortunately Henry put
things in perspective by reminding us that, after all, Glasgow was the new City of
Culture! There was also news of a fight which had taken place one night in the Social Club
between Michael Higgins and Alan Raeburn. Was drink involved? Judge for yourselves. Over
100 punches were thrown with only two connecting. Oh, and two months afterwards, neither
still knew what had started it. Boys will be boys! |
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As promised in the January issue, Keith McAllister, that
doyen of good taste had selected his QP team of the 80's which read...Stevie Ross, Tommy
Wilson, Paul McLaughlin, Kenny Brannigan, John McGregor, Mick Gillespie, Gerry Crawley,
Ian McCall, Alan Irvine, Jim Gillespie and Mark Smith. To illustrate how hard the task
was, he had also given commendable mentions to Derek Atkins, Ross McFarlane, Jimmy Boyle,
Bobby Dickson, Allan Rennie and Gerry McCoy. David Tate was none too impressed. "How
could anyone who claimed to know anything about football choose Jim Gillespie as the main
striker instead of Benny Verrecchia? By the way, did I ever tell you about the time that
we played Clyde in a cup tie at Shawfield and Benny.......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." |
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The next story has bugger all to do with QP, other than
it's Keith McAllister who tells it. However, it does fall into the "must read"
category though. It's set immediately after the 1-5 pasting that Scotland received at
Wembley in 1975, and Alan Ball unwisely made an ungentlemanly gesture towards the Scots
fans as he headed for the tunnel. "There was a hail of cans and bottles, and a loud
roar as he scuttled back onto the pitch for safety. It was like the battle of Agincourt
again with the sky blackened out by the never-ending barrage of missiles, each one
straining to hit that squeaky-voiced wee cretin Ball. Needless to say, many fell short of
their target, putting the Scots at the front in real danger. They spilled out onto the
track, all except one guy and his life sized cardboard cut-out piper." Lack of room
here doesn't do the story justice, but not only did the piper become a goalie who
"saved" all the missiles that were anywhere near his owner, he also became a
real goalie on the pitch with his owner taking imaginary penalties at him using his
tammie. Amidst all the diversion, Ball escaped to the safety of the dressing rooms and
(eventually), the piper and his owner were escorted back to the terracing by the grateful
police. Never mind the game. The fans are what it's all about! |
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Season 1990-91 was ushered in with the announcement that
everybody's favourite fanzine would now cost 50p, but nobody grumbled. Where else could
you get such satisfaction out of 50p? Alright, apart from at the chemists! Anyway, The
Sharpened Stud was less than impressed with the media coverage of our pre-season
friendlies. "Depending on which paper you read, our match with Rangers was a) on at
Lesser Hampden, pay at the gate, b) a closed door trial or c) not on at all. Two days
later we are due to play Dunfermline at Lesser with a 7.00pm kick-off but all the papers
give the start time as 7.30pm. The Dundee Utd. game went ahead as planned on Saturday
although there was no advance notice in the press. The following Monday and it was Airdrie
at Lesser. That is until it was learned that Airdrie had two other games that night! On to
the Saturday and Queen's clash with the Corinthian Casuals at Hampden. A glance at your
Glasgow Herald and you could see that Rangers were playing Dynamo Kiev, but not a lot
else. The next day, the Sunday Mail tops the lot by printing the following week's
friendlies, but not any of the Skol Cup ties." Even 10 years on, you can still feel
The Stud's angst. |
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