Hector Cook was again charged with the responsibility of making it happen, but first
an appropriate title had to be found for their new fanzine. A competition was run amongst
supporters to see who could come up with the best suggestion (and a clever piece of
pre-publicity into the bargain!), and the credit for what (but only in hindsight) seems an
obvious name for the fledgling journal goes to Willie Martin (Raymie's dad!) who earned
himself a free year's subscription for his trouble. It is generally considered that you
should make a considerable impact when launching the first issue of a new magazine so that
you create a momentum of interest to help build up an initial audience before "word
of mouth" kicks in to boost sales. Boy did this first issue make an impact!
 |
The first thing that strikes you about it is the cover
which managed to upset the Club's Committee, Glasgow District Council, Rangers and The
Conservatives in one fell swoop. A unique quadruple whammy. Inside, a couple of ill-judged
phrases also sour relations with the players. But it sold, big time! Unlike the staid
content of the official Club programme, this magazine had photos and articles which were
opinionated, even if you didn't always agree with the views stated. It was also stressed
that "the views expressed were those of the individual and do not necessarily
co-incide with those of the Club or QPSA". However, this disclaimer counted for
little with Club President Tom Barr whose countenance became even sterner than usual upon
acquainting himself with this issue's contents. One of many highlights was the revelation
that Alan Irvine had been booted out of the Middlesex Wanderers squad because Ron
Greenwood wanted Luther Blisset to gain experience of playing abroad. Could you have
discovered that in the club programme? |
|
 |
Having been served due warning by "the powers that
be", issue was toned down somewhat and an attempt made to find a balance between
satirical humour and responsible journalism. The cover was as placid as an American lake
can be and care was taken not to offend anyone with its content this time too as the
Association were only too well aware of the scrutiny they were under. This was also the
start of an interesting covert spy operation where Club Committee members tried to find
moles to buy a copy for them so that they could overcome the dilemma of not wanting to be
seen handing over their 20p, but needing to be able to study the articles carefully. Pick
of the bunch was one from Michael Higgins which bemoaned the fact that Queen's had spent
time and money turning Jim Gillespie into a deadly striker, and all for Ghent's benefit.
Oh, wherefore art thou Bosman? |
 |
The initial furore having died down somewhat, the next
edition welcomed a new member to the writing team. Yes, that bastion (and the word is
chosen carefully) of Off The Ball, The Sharpened Stud, had been
recruited to beef things up again. The results of the previous month's survey were also
revealed and some made for very interesting reading. 91% felt that Queen's should receive
some monetary compensation when a professional club signed one of our players, which seems
idealistic beyond belief nowadays. 78% confirmed that they wouldn't support any new club
which came from a merger with either Thistle or Clyde, whilst 80% strongly favoured
Saturday football. A smaller majority (56%) were also against the idea of summer football.
A footnote also revealed that Meadowbank's "Cheers" had ceased production,
leaving Q.P.S.A. as the sole independent publisher of fans'
views in Scotland. |
 |
It quickly became apparent that the most popular article
in the previous issue was that penned by "The Stud" and previous attempts to
preserve his anonymity were disregarded as a blatant attempt was made to cash in on
football violence at other clubs with this eye-catching cover. Airdrie-Mucker eat your
heart out! At the other end of the literary scale came Dan Smith's poems which were also
now a regular feature, but more about them later! Meanwhile Eric's rumour factory was
working overtime and readers were left pondering the likelihood of Rae Simpson announcing
a £4M facelift for John Greig or of Q.P. fans ceasing unWARRANTed
attacks on Meadowbank's Dave Smith (formerly of Rangers and Berwick). And Pierce O'Leary
though he was hard done by? |
 |
As good as the cover was for issue 4, nothing could have
prepared you for this. Yup, it's the instantly recognisable Stalag von Palmerston where
fresh air at the latrine facilities was guaranteed! And all this for a higher gate charge
than at any other ground in the division too. David (don't call me DJ) Wilson had written
in to defend the use of swearing at Q.P. games because "it is an everyday part of
life that bad language is used" in response to an anonymous complaint that had been
posted in the previous issue. David expressed disappointment that the writer (Eddie
Hunter?) hadn't felt confident enough to put his (or her) name to the original letter.
Gordon McPhee was also the subject of complaint....for burping in the social club! He was
given a lecture on his manners, which Gordon amusingly alikened to "a superfluous
cascade of boring verbosity". Another in the "it could only happen at
Hampden" series! |
 |
Eddie Hunter adorned the front cover in the hope that
the photo of him with the Dusseldorf trophies from a year previous would inspire a repeat
effort in the 2nd Division with just 5 games to go and Queen's lying top of the table.
Much was being made of the fact that the second Beaton's bus to Stenhousemuir had broken
down in Eglinton Street, but not one supporter had headed for home even though it meant a
rail journey to Larbert followed by a long walk, which meant that arrival wouldn't be
until 3.30pm by which time Queen's were 3-0 down! "We're here, you can start playing
now" was one sardonic cry upon hearing of the sad state of affairs. The response was
magnificent and a 4-3 victory followed. The Stud was on the moan again; the North
Enclosure catering (or lack of it) being his main bone of contention. "No pies after
3.20; no Bovril at half time," he complained. No wonder the high incidence of food
poisoning was reducing so quickly! |
 |
The final issue of a glorious first season, on and off
the pitch, was published on 25th April, 1981, a date to remember for all Queen's fans for
whom last season's win against Cowdenbeath was the second bite at the championship cherry.
The front cover may not have been original in thought, but it did demonstrate just how
tight things were at the top with three clubs capable of taking the title with just two
games remaining. Inside, the results of the "select your best QP XI from the last 10
years were announced" and the winners were Jim McKnight and Bill Paterson who
correctly guessed 9 of Eddie Hunter's selection which lined up as Ronnie Purvis, Tom Barr,
Charlie Gilmour, Ian Robertson, Willie Neil, John McLaughlin, Colin Emery, Ian Campbell,
Malky Mackay, Eddie Hunter and Dougie Wilkie. Interesting to note that that there was no
room for any of Eddie's current team who would clinch the title a few hours later!
|
 |
After a 4 month wait, people were eager to get their
hands on issue 8 which included exclusive photos of the championship celebrations on 25th
April. Certainly the summer break had re-charged Eric's batteries as his satirical look
back at the summer's highlights included......an estimated 75,000 'banned' Scots descend
on Wembley to see Scotland thrash England 1-0. Ernie Walker considers banning Scottish
fans from Hampden also.....street parties in honour of the Royal Wedding commence in
Toxteth, Moss-side, Lambeth and other urban areas. Shop-keepers report that their shelves
are being emptied, presumably as presents for the Royal couple.....Willie Whitelaw blames
rioting on young hooligans who have never done a day's work in their lives. An estimated
2.85 million unemployed agree with him! |
 |
A new feature was introduced in September, 1981 called
"Spider Of The Month" and the very first interviewee could only have been Eddie
Hunter. "Super-Ted", as he was now known on the South Side of Glasgow, was more
than happy to wax lyrically for The Web and revealed that he was
better known at school for his athletics prowess than his football ability as he had won
the 100 yards, 200 yards, mile and long jump events, as well as finishing
prominently in many others. His favourite phrase (often to be repeated for the benefit of
players like Jim Gillespie, Lexie Grant and Micky Hendry) was "hard work never killed
anyone"; an ethic which governed much of his thought process. One player it didn't
work well on was the enigmatic Willie Wylie whom Eddie described as "a player who had
it all except the right attitude". |
 |
Bobby Dickson and Jim Nicholson were both "Spider
Of The Month", but even more insight about the club could be gleamed from a letter
that Mick Gillespie had sent in following his decision to step down to the Junior ranks
with Pollok. He confessed to being in two minds about what to write about his former boss,
Eddie Hunter though. "Will I write about the enthusiastic, hard-working,
wise-cracking player-coach all too evident at Hampden on training nights? Or is it to be
the frightening introvert worrying time-bomb who is to be seen on match days?" The
answer was probably a bit of both actually. Mick also confessed to being a dyed in the
wool Celtic fan but admitted that an appearance at Parkhead didn't give him as much of as
a thrill as playing at Hampden ever did and he put some of the magical atmosphere down to
Queen's status as an amateur club. |
 |
The Sharpened Stud had been keeping a relatively (for
him) low profile in recent issues but this time he was scathing in his condemnation of
Italian footballers for their antics like spitting and diving. We were asked to imagine
the following (abridged) scenario for the forthcoming World Cup: Pepito is going down the
wing and performs a double back flip as Benito prepares his challenge. Seeing Pepito
wriggling and writhing in concentric circles, Benito collapses to the ground clutching his
knee. The crowd are now in a frenzy as a procession consisting of both managers, the
physios, and a priest amongst others make their way onto the pitch. Just as the priest is
delivering last rites, both players make miraculous recoveries and struggle to their feet
and demonstrate their perfected five second limps before returning to the fray. But it
would never happen in a real World Cup game though, would it? |
 |
Having made his debut in Off The Ball
No. 3, David Wilson's "Superfan" creation also followed "The Sharpened
Stud" into The Web folklore. Each issue for the foreseeable
future would now have a full page devoted to the comic hero's antics. Shame they can't be
reproduced here though! Putting that nonsense to one side, there was still plenty of good
reading in this one. Recognising that the official Club programme had its hands tied to
some extent, The Sharpened Stud raged about the treatment dished out to the young Queen's
players in the recent match against Motherwell at Fir Park. In particular he cited Bruce
"Mad Dog" McClelland for elbowing John McGregor in the face at the final
whistle, and David Hay for bleating that his lad didn't touch John. This, the Stud
reposted, "will comfort the bold McGregor as he nurses his suspected broken
nose". Joe Wark was also commended for his X-rated display. |
|
 |
Issue 13 was indeed a memorable one, if only for the
fact that it marked the last regular appearance of "the poem" which had been a
"feature" (ha-ha) of all the early issues. Dan Smith had almost achieved cult
(if that's the right word) status for his McCorriskan-esque efforts, and "Jock"
and "Doogie" had maintained the momentum. The final straw came when Neil
McAllister decided to enter the fray with his appraisal of the standard of the Social
Club's lager. "Some people think we're bad, some even think we're crap; Me I say
we're caught, in a lack of decent lager rat-trap..... It's up to us my brothers, to kick
Skol where it hurts; Not in the head, not in the face, but right in the nuts!"
Oh Dan, where were you in our hour of need? |
 |
Issue 14 was Hector Cook's final offering as he prepared
to hand over the reins to somebody else who was capable of making some sense of what was
being offered via the Association letter box. This month Colin Robertson proposed three
suitable frameworks for the proposed re-organisation of the Scottish Leagues (sounds
almost topical doesn't it?). Firstly he suggested two divisions comprising 18 and 20
teams. Alternatively, if some teams were prepared to almalgamate (e.g. Falkirk & East
Stirlingshire), there could be two leagues with 16 teams in each. A third option was to
have 3 leagues of 14 teams but the drawback to that was that there were only 38 league
teams, and where would you find four new teams to join the SFL? What a stupid suggestion!
Can you ever imagine there being 42 senior Scottish League teams? |
 |
A distinguishing feature of the early issues of The
Web was its use of different sheets of coloured paper which were used in an
attempt to brighten up a publication belonging to a club whose primary colours were black
and white. New Editor Allan Walker decided that these had now lost their novelty value and
the inside pages now returned to a standard white. However, a glossy and thicker cover was
introduced which provided, externally at least, a luxurious feel to the magazine. A major
complaint however was a significant reduction in the size of text, although one benefit
which resulted was an ability to cram more into its 12 pages in what was clearly a cost
cutting exercise by the Association. The Stud was in fine form and opined that two of
Scotland's World Cup "stars" wouldn't be in his team. "Hansen and
Souness", he wrote, "make nice patterns...but neither looked as if they could
have tackled 'Gregory's Girl'. " |
 |
Issue 16 treated us to a unique collaboration between
The Sharpened Stud and Superfan as the pair combined to give us the first in a potentially
never-ending series of graphical guides to the professional foul. First to come under the
microscope was "The Souness Stomp" as demonstrated in the Charity Shield Final
of that year which was contested by Liverpool and Spurs. Step 1 taught you the importance
of awareness as an opponent (e.g. "The Hoddle") came in for a sliding tackle.
Step 2 demonstrated the importance of balance which enabled you to ride the tackle but
soar upwards in a vertical position. Step 3 dealt with the angle of descent and the need
to maintain a look of complete innocence as you trod on selected parts of the
tackler's anatomy. Step 4, the final technique, warned of the necessity of remaining alert
while feigning injury yourself, as this also left you prone to retaliation from a third
party ("The Garth") who might be tempted to indulge in a spot of hand to head
co-ordination. Splendid stuff! |
 |
Alas, Allan Walkers reign was all too brief as, in only
his third issue, he informed a distraught readership that his forthcoming nuptials had
forced him to tender his resignation. However, determined to go out in style, he assembled
an edition which saw a new writer join the team. David McNeil, a journalist/photographer
with "The South Side News", introduced his new concept entitled "The Spider
Slant" which he revealed would consist of those items which had been rejected by his
employers and that he had been able to salvage from the waste paper basket. "Rubbish"
you might cry, but it's all true as the following excerpt confirms: "Despite their
magnificent stadium, and Mr. Waddell's words of wisdom about signing Catholics, Rangers
have done as much for religious harmony in Glasgow as Margaret Thatcher has done for the
Hampden redevelopment." What a pity that he had nearly 20 years to mellow before they
let him onto the Club's Committee! |
 |
It was another four months before a new issue appeared
but, as you can see from the cover on the right, new Editor Iain Campbell was more than
prepared to tackle both sides of Glasgow's great divide head on in this "special non-religious
issue"! 16 pages was the new norm, and still all for just 20p. Gregor Hall had taken
over the "Programme Review" page and was extending his newly discovered
expertise to include English clubs and Southend's matchday magazine was the first to
receive his critical acclaim. Elsewhere, the same writer nailed his colours firmly to the
mast in an article which defended Rangers management and players for their poor form by
laying the blame firmly at the door of Jock Wallace for his neglect of a youth policy at
Ibrox. "Scottish football needs a strong Rangers" he contested, "generating
enormous finance through their legions of bigoted supporters." Hmmm! |
|
 |
Having dispensed with all the religious intolerance in
his first issue, readers settled down and awaited IC's second production with curiosity as
to what direction it might take. There was a certain irony in the news that Queen's had
been drawn in the Scottish Cup quarter final against Rangers at Hampden. At least that
would enable any unsold copies of issue 18 to be discreetly put on sale! In any event,
there was a high brow article from an anonymous contributor who allowed himself to be
known only as "Tarantula". In it he criticised Queen's for what he described as
their "twin-track morality" which described as being on one hand the
money-grabbing attitude of the Club to extract as much revenue from Hampden as possible in
direct contrast to its scrupulous amateur principles. "Call a halt now", he
cried, "and move some 200 yards west to its oft-neglected second home." Of such
things are visionaries made (not!). |
 |
The last issue of this particular instalment was a
combined one which was to encompass the March/April, 1993 period. In a twist of the cover
utilised in issue 7, this time the badges were used to assist in the "perm any two
from five" option as relegation beckoned at the second attempt. Gregor Hall continued
to play a prominent role in the new set-up. After all, wasn't that him pictured on page 2
caught in the act of trying to steal a corner flag at Dumbarton whilst the game was in
progress. He was indeed fortunate that magistrates took a lenient view, although his
defence of "I was only trying to stick it back in m'lud after it had fallen
down" was hardly an original one! Meanwhile, former Spider Ian McWilliams had written
in to wish everyone at the club all the best, but also modestly took the opportunity to
remind everyone that during his time at Celtic he had played against players like Cruyff,
Beckenbauer & Keegan and teams like Hamburg, Red Star Belgrade and New York Cosmos.
Not bad for just a handful of appearances for the alternative hoops though. |
|
Digg
Delicious
Facebook
Reddit
Stumbleupon