By Deep Blue
August 14 2005

Ok before you get confused I am not talking about the “women’s problems” that are the bain of men around the world and as far as I can make out not to pleasant for the ladies either No this is something different and far more frequent and distressing and should be familiar to any football fan (man or woman, I am not sexist, despite the clumsy first paragraph) who is the type to be reading an article like this. I am of course talking about Pre Match Tension. If you are reading this you are almost certainly a sufferer even if you haven’t realised it, perhaps describing some of the symptoms will help you recognise the affliction in the future (although as yet there appear to be no cure although I plan to set up a support group in the near future with the support of lottery funding).

"I told you not to leave the wet towels on the floor..."

The most recognisable symptom is the “Christmas eve impatience” that feeling you get where tomorrow cant come quick enough and you are forced to come up with cunning plans, like trying to go to sleep early, so when you wake up its that magic day. This never works, you can’t sleep, you are too excited about tomorrow. You are condemned to the purgatory that is waiting for tomorrow. “Why do days have to be 24 hours long..” you mutter “cant we just start early?”

This is a common feeling the day before a game for many, although it is exacerbated by the fact that sometimes (especial for Spurs fans of recent seasons), your excitement is tempered by doubts and nerves about the game tomorrow. “This is a must win game, if we mess this up we can kiss goodbye to Europe”, a common uttering of a Spurs fan on the day before the opening game (and every subsequent match thereafter) of the season. You spend the eternity that is the time before the kick off worrying about the performance of the team and convincing yourself of the importance of the game.

PMT isn’t just apparent on the eve of the game; it starts minutes after the last one. As you hear the results come in from around the country and you work out your league position and goal difference, you can’t help but become obsessed with your next opposition. How was their result today? They scored how many?! Did anyone get suspended for the next game, or injured? Then comes the net trawling, it starts slowly a quick glance of your opponents match report. But it gets worse, with every successive day you dig up more about the game and scoffing at the complete lack of knowledge of the pundits (Mark Lawrenson comes in for special mention here), although the ones that predict a win for your boys is probably spot on.

As the big day closes in the condition worsens, “friendly banter” at work deepens in to personal insults and people familiar with you condition start to avoid bringing up the topic of football or just avoid you. You are forced to hang around on dodgy message boards and discuss, in detail, the likely team formation for the next game for the two hundredth time and predict outrageous score lines (or do crazy things such a first goal scorer competitions), it is an itch you can’t help but scratch. Lucky rituals and superstitions (lucky and very old blue pants go on) become sacrosanct, failure to carry these out results in lack of sleep and certain doom.

"How can we be drawing with West Brom at home....?"

All this stress and agony builds and crescendos until kick off and during the game it’s all released (and not in the messy way some may imagine), you cheer your team line up, abuse the rubbish ref and curse the bad decisions (all aided by the pre match drinks). The rollercoaster of the game carries you and dumps you at the end of the match an empty wreck. Post match drinks are the site to discuss the game (unless you couldn’t make the game and then its probably the message board again), who was rubbish, who was class, how we were robbed, or despite the battering we received it was only one players fault (if you win discussions are less about the game and more about the drinking and talking about Europe)
You stagger home (or walk away bleary eyed from the computer screen) finally over the effects of PMT. Although who are we playing next week? How did they do today….

It’s a common condition and I am certain you have recognised the symptoms, but I am afraid we are all force to suffer it together. Just be glad that the effects of PST (pre season tension) an entire summer of speculation, nerves and debates about the season ahead. This is the realm of ITK’s (in the knows) who tell us that so and so has told the dinner lady at a comprehensive near the ground that Ronaldo was seen shopping at the local Tesco to stock the fridge of his new house in Hackney. The must strengthen positions have been debated all summer and invariably never filled (honestly now we are only 3 places away). Players that have left are berated and the new arrivals talked up. Transfer sagas such as Davids draw on and drain you but when they arrive and are seen holding the kit its all worth the wait, if the deal falls through, we didn’t really want them any way.

PST is a much longer lasting condition and far worse than its cousin PMT. I for one am glad I can now swap it for the more regular and cyclical PMT, in fact if I am honest, I actually enjoy it….