Rangers Jokes




A Rangers scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Alex McCleish is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself.

The boy arrives in Glasgow for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Mols gets injured and is stretchered off. McCleish points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us". The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat trick. The crowd goes mad.

After the game McCleish gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room."Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office.

The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. " Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay? " " No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot and the house has been burnt to the ground." " God, mum, that's terrible, I'm really sorry " " So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Govan! "






' Comical Ali '




What's the difference between Rangers and a three pin plug?

Their both useless in Europe.







Whats the difference between an Apple and a Orange ?


You can't get a Apple B******



A Jambo, a Tim and a Bluenose ... ... are in a pub having a drink when they notice a man sitting on his own on the other side of the pub.


The three men keep looking at this other man, for he seems terribly familiar. They stare and stare, wondering where they have seen him before when suddenly the Jambo cries out: " My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus "!


The others look again, and sure enough it is Jesus himself sitting alone at a table. The Jambo calls the barman over and says: " Give Jesus a whisky from me. " The barman pours Jesus a whisky, Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.


Then the Tim calls over the barman and has him send over a voddie which Jesus accepts with pleasure.


The Bluenose then orders the barman to send over a pint of Guiness for Jesus, which he duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.


Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Jambo and shakes it, thanking him for the whisky. When he lets go, the Jambo falls to his knees and gives a cry of amazement " Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for 40 years is gone! It's a miracle! "


Jesus then shakes the Tim's hand, thanking him for the voddie. Upon letting go, the Bluenose's eyes widen in shock. He too falls to his knees and cries: " Oh my God, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 10 years is completely gone! It's a miracle! "


Jesus then approaches the Bluenose who quickly jumps to his feet and yells: " Haw get tae f*** big man! I'm on disability allowance! "





Celtic Jokes


Martin O'Neill's Tactics, CLICK HERE



Martin Appeal with his new car


Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age like to put on the mantlepiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

" £10 for the rat, £100 for the story ", replies the man.

" Bugger the story " thinks the bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff. He throws the brass rat over, and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death. The bloke them runs back to shop..... " Aaaah ", says the shop keeper, "you'll be back for the story "

" Sod the story, where's the brass Celtic fan? "




' Comical Ali ' once again !


The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Celtic are good enough to win the Champions League this year." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"




QUESTION: What do you do if you see a Celtic fan buried up to his neck in sand?

ANSWER: Add more sand






Hamilton Casual



DID THEY ACTUALLY SAY THAT ?



'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7. - David Beckham



'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.' - Mark Viduka



We lost because we didn't win. - Ronaldo



I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona. - Mark Draper



I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right. - Lee Hendrie



I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country. - Ian Rush



Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today. - Steve Lomas



Sometimes in football you have to score goals. - Thierry Henry



I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.- Les Ferdinand



I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester. - Stan Collymore

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