Arsenal Times
Wenger Rule Change To Put Arsenal Back At The Top?
By Celine Dion
December 12 2017

Arsene Wenger is believed to have written to world footballs governing body FIFA proposing a set of rule changes that would revolutionise the modern game as it is known. If Wengers ideas are accepted, they will not only signify the biggest changes to association football since its invention in 1996, but also restore Arsenal to their rightful place at the head of Europe’s footballing elite.

As most readers will be aware, traditionally the winner of a  football match is determined by the number of times the ball is kicked, or headed, into the opposing teams net, or ‘goal’. But according to an insider at the Emirates stadium, Wenger's proposals, if implemented, would DO AWAY with this method altogether.

Wenger is understood to have become increasingly disillusioned with the traditional means of scoring football matches, particularly as in recent years, teams such as Watford, Crystal Palace, and Bradford City have devised methods of putting the goal into Arsenal’s goal several more times than Arsenal manage to place the ball into theirs. Matters apparently came to a head after a recent premier league encounter with Manchester United. Arsenal turned in a performance of the highest calibre and Wenger is believed to have been overjoyed with his players, warmly congratulating them after the match. However his joy turned to incandescent rage the following Monday when Wenger opened the newspaper to discover that the Premier League had still awarded the three points to Manchester United, on the flimsy pretext that they had scored more goals than Arsenal on the night.

Wengers alternative scoring system is believed to encompass a more subjective set of criteria. Based on Olympic ice skating, a panel of judges, approved of by Wenger, would award points to each team depending on levels of ‘class’ ‘style’ ‘highlighted hair’ ‘beards’ and ‘beautiful football’. Points would be deducted for ‘defending’ ‘tackling’ , ‘pushing’, ‘being nasty’, ‘fielding an insufficient number of French players’ and ‘upsetting Mezut Ozil’.

Wenger's staff are supposed to be largely behind his proposed changes. ‘Steve Bould wasn’t too keen at first, as he is a firm believer in the traditional rules of football’ our insider explained ‘but since a rumoured lobotomy, he is inclined to see things Arsene's way’. Meanwhile Ivan Gazidis is believed to be very keen on the blueprint, as not only would Arsenal be able to save money on goal nets and white posts, but potentially they could also get rid of Arsenal’s expensive electronic score boards. Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke apparently has no knowledge of the rules of football so has no strong views either way. Meanwhile Wengers new rules mean there could be changes afoot within the playing staff. With less, or indeed no importance attached to goals, a return to Arsenal could be on the cards for French striker Yaya Sanogo, who would partner Danny Welbeck up front.

Wenger supporters also expressed keen interest in his new rules. Now believed to number no more than 50 or 60 people within the British isles, most have taken to living an underground bunker near Wengers house, where, dressed in long puffer coats, they listen to recordings of his most obtuse and incomprehensible press conferences and await the ‘Coming of Arsene’, the mythological day when Arsenal win both the league title and European Cup; and simultaneously the earth will be torn asunder and the four horsemen of the apocalypse visit from blackened skies summoning forth Wenger who will sit in judgement of all mankind in its final hour.

We managed to speak to one of Wenger's disciples outside his holy temple yesterday. The  fan, who did not want to be named, but said he came from the Blackburn area, was ‘over the moon’ with Wenger's set of rule changes. ‘I have trouble counting properly at the best of times’ he said ‘so anything that makes it easier for me to blatantly disregard the fundamentals of football whilst sitting on the internet all day promoting Arsene Wenger as some kind of deity is right up my street...’