Having failed miserably in the battle against plucky little Croatia the wally with the brolly, as Wenger's cheeky youngsters taunted him, was determined to avenge himself against his suave French nemesis.

Wally with brolly

In no time his cunning plan of assuming a Dutch accent, ignoring the rules of the Geneva Convention, and hurling his regulars at any Gunner attempting to advance, had Wenger's mainly underage army cowering in the trenches. One youngster tried to keep morale up by falling over, "stupid boy", Wenger muttered to Corporal Rice

It was only the occasional forays of Private Manny, a Spanish Civil War veteran, that stopped Wenger's badly depleted expeditionary force from being completely overrun. It seemed only a matter of time that the red army's salvoes would find their target. Indeed the Gunners had managed only one shot in reply.

Just when it seemed that the Arsenal must surrender an unearthly silence broke out. Was it Christmas? Would the two sides stop fighting and play football? No it was half time. Back at HQ an ashen faced Arsene used the brief respite to rally his troops. As the eerie sound of the pre battle whistles started up it was with an aching heart that he sent them back over the top again.

As the battle resumed a major flaw began to appear in McClaren's tactics, he had ran out of ammunition, and his troops were tired from covering too much ground in the first 45 minutes of battle. It was a bridge too far. With supply lines stretched gaps began to appear in their ranks. Now the spivvy looking one sent in a googly and Sergeant Wilson Gallas adeptly used his privates to land a deadly blow against the enemy.

His leadership had been under question lately, some were muttering that his days of combat were coming to an end, but now he was a hero as the lads laughingly escorted him back to their battle lines. Past accusations of dereliction of duty were all forgotten.

 You could almost hear the wind being sucked out of the opposition; suddenly they had no idea what tactic to use, McClaren had not made provisions for such a contingency. Dam he knew he had forget something, and it wasn't his umbrella.

Beating the Bosch

Now the lads began to venture out of their foxholes, weaving fancy patterns around and through the now retreating rabble. We are the masters now Wenger chuckled to Corporal Rice. To prove it baby faced Theo suddenly regained his nerve and carefully delivered ammunition to the brilliant, but often erratic, with his threats to defect to the enemy, lofty Ade who fired under the advancing Boschker. It was total victory for the young guns.

I swear that somewhere in the distance I could hear a refrain of "Who do you think you are kidding Steve McClaren".

Apologies to the original Dad's Army, "a crack team of spivs, wet blankets (and stupid boys. Ed) and senile old men, led by the fearless bank-manager-cum-strategic-titan Captain Mainwaring."

All the characters in this report are fictitious. Any relationship to anyone living or dead, or to a report on a football match is purely coincidence.

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