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Things that get on my bloody nerves: Dogs.

By Dave Eadevic
June 3 2006

I will be the first to admit that I am a cat person, I like cats, they keep themselves to themselves, they don’t chase slovenly around the planet after sticks, you throw a stick away from a cat, it looks at you and almost says, ‘look if you wanted the stick that badly why the hell did you throw it away in the first place?’

Another thing cats don’t tend to do is attack me when I am on my morning run, I have yet to be growled at, barked at or generally assaulted by a cat, while its owner, usually some dim witted soul with the IQ of a daffodil, stands idly by saying pearls of wisdom like:

‘He doesn’t normally do that.’

Or a personal favourite:

‘Don’t worry he won’t hurt you’, this while mammies little darling is trying to tear my jugular out.

I hate dogs and it has to be said they seem to hate me, they attack me on site, they shit outside my door and garden gate, and honestly I nearly took chemistry at University just so I could design a plague to wipe the species out.

They are one step away from wolves, I should be allowed to carry a taser gun and electrocute them, and comment to the owners:

‘Oh don’t worry I don’t normally do this, does Fido often twitch like that?’

There is one exception to the rule that all dogs attack me though, that rule is if I go to a friends house, and then they don’t want to attack me, no they want to mate with my leg, or slobber in my crotch.

And again, a perfectly normal friend will look briefly with concern and mutter, ‘he doesn’t normally do that, do you want me to put him out?

No mate to be honest I want you to put him down.

I mean really what does he expect me to say, no just give him a minute he’s nearly finished have you a cigarette for him ready?

There is a charity that proudly boasts that it never puts a healthy dog down. Well why not? Should I pop around and do it for you.

So if you happen to read this and own a dog, keep it on a lead, or preferably have it put down.


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