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Rossi's Testimonial Dinner - The Uncut Version

were you there?

By Joe McMonagle
March 14 2002
At the best function ever to be held in the Q.P. Social Club, 200 supporters including a selection of players and coaches, past and present, all gathered to hear guest speakers pay glowing tribute to Ross Caven, arguably the greatest-ever Queen's Parker. Here is the organiser's version of events.

Caven Dinner

The Background

Due to the fact that I am such a shy person and not prone to ‘having my say’, I was very surprised when The Spider suggested that I should submit my report of the event. The only downside to his offer was that I should restrict the report to 10,000 words! For heavens sake, 10,000 words alone would hardly cover the drinks order for Table 4 – which was the table of The Convenor & The Usual Suspects - look at the last row of photos below and you'll see what I mean!

So where do I start, well like all good tales, how about the beginning? It was during June 2001 when I received a telephone call from Supremo who wanted me to organise a Memorial Dinner for Ross. I was totally shocked, as I was unaware that Ross had departed this earth for the Ultimate Football League in the sky. However, I quickly realised that it was actually a Testimonial Dinner that Supremo had in mind!

After having previously organised the QPSA’s Golden Anniversary Dinner in April 1998, I was somewhat reluctant as, from first hand experience, I knew that the role of organiser demanded that I would have to sample at least fifty menus before deciding on the final menu. Accordingly, due to the fact that the dinner was for Ross and the fact that I was on a diet, I accepted the challenge without further hesitation.

Believe it or not, Ross Caven did not want the QPSA to honour his loyal service to the club, as he did not want anyone to think that he was more important than the team. This is typical of Ross’s humility and of his concern for his team mates. However, he reluctantly accepted matters after he was informed that the supporters’ would be disappointed if we could not pay homage to our hero. Ross’s only condition was that any funds raised should be donated to the QPFC Youth Initiative – which, as Supremo has stated in the match programme, is typical of Ross’s positive attitude to the club.

The first decision was easy, the venue had to be the Social Club as this is the cultural home of the supporters. This is where team selections and tactics are carefully analysed and important decisions, such as ‘whose round is it’, are debated with great vigour. The alternative venue was The National Stadium, however the supporters are disillusioned with being ripped off by Sodexho’s exhorbitant prices and their inflexible attitude.

The next decision was to determine the date. After much research and discussion, Saturday 2^nd March 2002 was chosen. The reason being that it was a not too distant away fixture, which allowed for the Social Club to be transformed for the event and to allow time for the supporters to get home to get their glad rags on.

The tendering process for the catering was then enacted. Three prominent catering companies were invited to submit their comprehensive quotations based upon a pre-determined budget. Without any doubt, Strachan Kerr provided the superior option and they were awarded the contract. Given the quality of their service, it is very sad to hear that they are now in the process of being taken over by a certain west of Glasgow SPL team’s subsidiary and that the majority of their staff are being made redundant.

The next poser, no I did not say poseur, was to determine three quality speakers who would be daring enough to attend such a notable event. I prepared a list of potential speakers and then carried out a market research exercise among the good and the great of the QPSA. Within 10 seconds, I quickly realised that there were no such people so I had to made enquiries with the minions that co-exist within the aforementioned cultural home.

I had devised a scoring system whereby I had to interpret the responses of those questioned. Therefore sign language, grunts and various other expletives had to be evaluated to determine which candidates would be acceptable. So, after an exhausting and inebriating exercise, I had narrowed the list down to four candidates.

I then despatched letters to the chosen few to determine their availability and as to their remuneration - stressing the fact that at Ross’s request, all profits from the evening were to be donated to the QPFC Youth Initiative. The final decision as to the choice of three speakers was made easy as Bob Crampsey was going to be on holiday at the occasion of the event, and the other three candidates had graciously accepted.

Accordingly, the choice of speakers, in alphabetical order, was Martin Smith, Sandy Strang and Willie Young. Furthermore, they agreed to waive any fees in favour of a donation to the QPFC Youth Initiative. Their generosity is greatly appreciated.

This left the other aspects of organising the dinner – the preparing, printing and posting of letters for sending to the members of the QPSA; deciding on the presentation gifts; printing tickets; monitoring ticket reservations; monitoring income and expenses; et cetera. At this point, I would like to thank the following people for their valuable contributions: -

Norman & Violet Walker - for preparing the database for the mail shot.

David McNeil - for providing the club’s printing facilities and for helping with the printing of the programme (which in it self was both laborious and time consuming); for his help in preparing the Social Club on the day of the event; and also for monitoring the PA system during the event.

Janice Balmain - for designing and printing the tickets, and for her sterling advice.

Keith McAllister – for taking responsibility for the design of the presentation gifts, and for engaging Malky Mackay to paint the portraits.

Alan Rhodes - for taking responsibility, at short notice, in devising the Testimonial Dinner Programme, interviewing contributors and in editing it’s content.

David Stirling and Logan Taylor – for designing and preparing the Testimonial Dinner Programme for the final print.

Colin Robertson and Hector Cook (those shots that appear here) – for taking photographs of the event for future reference.

Janice Baillie, Margaret Ward and Colin Sutherland - for their assistance in helping with the raffle.

Graham Carmalt – for providing a well stocked bar and ensuring an efficient bar service was operated by the staff.

Their efforts were, and are still, greatly appreciated. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank the following for their donations: -

Andrew Eadie, Keith McAllister, Willie McIntyre, Barry McNab, Ivy Riddell, John Richmond, and Roy Richmond.

Apart from a hilarious ‘close encounter’ with Ross about three weeks prior to the event, everything had been progressing in a mundane but time consuming fashion. The ‘close encounter’ was at the souvenir shop when Ross, along with Keith, was examining the enamel tribute badge. Ross queried whether by displaying the years 1982 – 2002 on the badge, were we trying to give him a hint to retire. I replied, "yes" and added that perhaps we could be even more subtle by renaming the event as ‘The ‘Ross Caven Wake’. Ross exploded into laughter and he acknowledged that he was looking forward to the event, although with some trepidation.

The Big Day

Suddenly, it was the morning of the 2^nd March 2002, it was ’Rossi Day’, a date which will forever be marked on the QPSA calendar as a public holiday. Despite my tired (I had been watching the Australian Grand Prix qualifying round until 4 am) and aching (flu symptoms) body, I arrived at the Social Club at 10.10 am to arrange the tables and chairs for that evening.

Thankfully, the social club had taken delivery of brand new tables and banqueting chairs on the preceding day, so this was a positive start to the proceedings. The new tables were slightly lighter and easier to manoeuvre than the prehistoric tables that had been replaced.

There was also the ‘little’ matter of removing the dance floor, which is a bas***d of a job. However, I had promised to meet David Stafford at the Dunkeld Hotel at 10.45am. Therefore by the time it took me to walk to the Dunkeld Hotel, show him the way to Armstrong’s and then return to the club (approximately 40 minutes) - David McNeil had arrived at the Social Club and dismantled the dance floor. What a guy – and to this day I am still adamant that I thought we were to dismantle the dance floor at 12 noon!

By the time it took to set up the tables (in conjunction with the table plan) and to help Graham Carmalt to restock the bar it was now 3.50pm. Time to go home and get the gold sequinned suit on. At 6pm, I returned to the Banqueting Suite – David McNeil, in his position as the QPFC Social Convenor, had ‘renamed’ the Social Club in accordance with the arrival of the new furniture. However, after a couple of pints even he was still referring to this centre of ultimate luxury as the Social Club. Strachan Kerr had already arrived and primed the tables for the banquet. All that was left for me to do was to ensure that the table place cards and the prepaid bottled drinks were correctly laid out and in order.

The time was now 7pm and like the Boxing Day sales - the supporters’ stampeded into the club, pillaged the bar of its drink and then proceeded to their tables. The players, former players and guests all entered the club in a rather more dignified manner!

The Dinner

At 7.45pm, Keith McAllister, the Master of Ceremonies, welcomed everyone, gave a brief introduction of the top table and other inivited guests. Then Kenny Harvey, Q.P.F.C. President, said the grace and the feast commenced. As ever the food was excellent and the service by the Strachan Kerr staff was extremely efficient. So despite the late start, the timetable for the evening was back on schedule.

At 9pm, prior to the speeches, there was the matter of the raffle for the framed Ross Caven autographed jersey and an assortment of other prizes. Morna Black was the winner of the top prize, which was presented by Ross himself – much to the envy of Eileen Myles who is a self confessed Rossi Groupie!

Of the rest of the prizes, the funniest moment was when Kenny Brannigan won a woman’s embroidered fleece. The ceiling was nearly raised with the raucous laughter that followed the announcement but the big man took it in his stride.

The speeches were kicked off by Willie Young, referee and prominent solicitor, who unfortunately had to leave early, as he had to referee a certain SPL match at Tannadice the following day. Willie as ever was thoroughly entertaining and he put his refereeing experience to good use when ‘cautioning’ Ian McCall and Kenny Brannigan during some friendly heckling. The putting-down of McCall in particular was particularly memorable. At an appropriate moment, Ian interrupted Willie to sum Ross up as "nae first touch". Without hesitation, Willie promptly advised McCall that he would then be "nae right foot"! Cue hysterical uproar!

As well as recounting personal memories and stories from all levels of football and the legal profession, Willie also quoted Ross’s disciplinary record for the 1990s (half of his career) from the SFA database. The record reads 12 red cards and 63 cautions, which is not as bad as some had imagined!

Willie went on to state that he had refereed 12 Q.P.F.C. matches involving Ross and not once did he have any grievance with Ross or cause to issue a yellow card. This is obviously a case of the referee respecting the player and vice versa. More referees of Willie’s calibre and manner would certainly help the game. Willie finished off by delivering the good wishes of the Glasgow Section of the SFA Referees Association to Ross on his achievement.

Next to speak, was the irrepressible Martin Smith, former president of Q.P.F.C. and a prominent solicitor, who always savours playing to the Queen’s Park masses. Martin never fails to entertain, however, some say that this was his finest hour as he recounted tales about luxury holidays in South Miami, relationships, marriage, the ‘Glorious Years’ of his presidency, and Ross Caven.

For example, on the subject of marriage his advice to the guys is – save all of the hassle by buying a house and just giving it to a woman you don’t like! Certain club officials, many of whom were present, were the subject of humorous character assassinations much to the enjoyment of everyone – including the victims! There were many more anecdotes, which were delivered with no mercy upon a baying audience. Then suddenly with great skill, he changed the tone of his speech to deliver a marvellous tribute to Ross Caven, which was followed by a toast to Ross.

The final, but certainly not the least, speaker was Sandy Strang, Deputy Rector of Hutchesons’ Grammar School and renowned writer.

Sandy commenced by taking Martin Smith to task over his exploits with the fairer sex.

For example, was it true that his old chat up line of "where have you been all of my life?" was discarded after a young lady retorted that she was probably not born for two-thirds of his life! Thereafter, Sandy continued to be merciless on the captive audience, to the point that I wondered whether the services of the club doctor would be required to cure the splitting sides. Like Martin and Willie before him, Sandy then tactfully switched off the humour to solemnly deliver another wonderful tribute to Ross.

The three guest speakers, after their respective speeches, were each presented with caricatures of themselves (drawn by Malky McCormick, the cartoonist) by Ross Caven in appreciation of their efforts.

Keith McAllister, as Secretary of the Q.P.S.A., then delivered a tribute on behalf of the Queen’s Park Supporters’ Association.

Keith made an interesting comparison between Kenny Dalglish with all of his football honours and Ross who put in 18 years of sterling service before winning a football honour. Could Kenny identify one honour, which was the be all and end all of his career, the same way that Ross would cherish his League Medal?

Keith then invited Ivy Riddell, one our most revered fans, to present Ross with a portrait (also drawn by Malky McCormick), that was commissioned by the Q.P.S.A.

Ross Caven, himself, was afforded the right of reply and he certainly took the opportunity to deliver a humorous and dignified speech in which he thanked all of the coaches, back room staff, team mates (he had to mention Paul Borland only because he had promised to do so to bring a halt to the incessant nagging from Paul on training nights to do so) and supporters who had helped him throughout his career.

A hilarious story was from the era of his first coach, Eddie Hunter, when Ross related to the fact that he could not look at any staircase without thinking that he would have to do twenty sit-ups when he got back to the bottom. To the uninitiated, one of Eddie’s infamous stamina exercises was having the players run up and down the old Hampden Park terraces and doing twenty sit-ups after each return to the trackside.

Ross also thanked everyone, especially his team mates (both past and present) for honouring him at this event.

Thereafter, and not for the first time on this evening, there was a tremendous ovation for Ross, which must have registered on all of the Richter Scales across the globe.

Finally, Keith brought the official proceedings to a close and there was plenty of autograph hunting and re-acquainting to follow for the rest of the evening.

When I look back on this evening, not withstanding the tribute to Ross, one of the greatest pleasures was seeing Eddie Hunter back amongst his own. By the rapturous reception that he received, he cannot have any doubt that he is well admired and loved by all at Queen’s Park. It certainly brought a lump to the throats of many to see him posing for a photo with Ross and current coach John McCormack. He is and always will be a Queen’s Park man through and through and hopefully we will see more of Eddie at future Queen’s Park events.

Another pleasing aspect of the evening was the number of former players (many of whom feature in the photos below) at the event, for example: -

Bobby Dickson, Keith Mackenzie, David Hunter, Graham Ogg, Denis Connaghan, Neil Inglis, Graham Connell, Kevin McGoldrick, Paul Martin, Del Carmichael, Paul Ferguson, David Graham, Kevin Finlayson, Neil McFarlane, Michael Hendry, Jimmy Boyle, Paul O’Brien, David Elliott, Stephen Ross, Frank Loughran, Ian McCall, Kenny Brannigan, and Paul McLean.

I must also mention that Danny Ferry enquired whether he would have to wait until he completes 20 years service before he would get a testimonial. I responded that we would probably consider a testimonial after 15 years providing that he helps us to win another couple of league titles. Danny then smiled and said no problem!

The Conclusion

Before I finish this report, I would like to reiterate my thanks to everyone (helpers and paying patrons, one and all) who contributed to making this the finest Q.P.S.A. event that I have ever had the pleasure of organising.

Accordingly, after 21 years of either assisting at or organising social events and fund raising for the QPSA, I have decided that I will ‘retire’ now that I have reached the pinnacle of my social convenor’s career.

The Speakers