By Sam Box
February 19 2003
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Two Dingles are walking round the Mander Centre in Wolverhampton when one says "Is there a B & Q in Wolverhampton ?" "I dunno" replies the other Dingle " But there are two D's in Dudley"
Q Whats the difference between a Dingle and a computer ?
A You only have to punch information into a computer once
A Wolverhampton woman goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children" "10" "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and .. Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Nnaah..." says the Wolverhampton woman "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY' or 'WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NAAAAAH!!!' and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed council worker. "That's easy" says the Dagenham bird............................."I just use their surnames".
A man goes into Heathrow Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called. All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor.
"Hell, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew.
"Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless .... we had the Wolves players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".
Michael Oakes is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of WHL and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him...
David Jones is out shopping in town when he sees an old lady struggling with her shopping
DJ: Can you manage, love?
Old Lady: Up yours, you took the job, you're stuck with it.
A Wolves fan is in the Australian outback and he approaches a farmer with a proposition "Excuse me Sir, if I can tell you how many sheep you have on your farm, can I have one?" The farmer thinks there's no chance of him guessing so he agrees. "I reckon you've got 19,753" The farmer is amazed as this is the correct number and tells him to help himself, which he duly does. The farmer then says "I need a bit of a chance to get even with you, so if I can tell you what football team you support, can I have my sheep back?" The Wolves fan agrees and is also stunned when the farmer correctly names the Dingles Scum as his favourite team. "How did you know that?" enquires the Scummer. "Never mind how I knew, put my dog down and feck off"
A Baggies fan is jumping up and down on the railway line chanting "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..." when a Wolves fan comes over and asks him what he's doing... The Baggies fan tells him it's fun, and invities him to try... upon this a high speed train zooms past at 100 miles an hour killing the Wolves fan stone dead...
The Baggies fan carries on jumping on and off the rail chanting "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend replies, "I ran over Kevin Muscat". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
A Wolves fan's wife gets on to the bus holding her 3 week old baby... The bus driver says 'Jesus Christ love, you're baby is the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman pays her fare and goes off and sits up the back of the bus almost in tears. A man says to her 'What's up, love?'... 'The bus driver has just been very rude rude to me back there...'
The man replies: 'Although you are a Dingle, you shouldn't let him get away with that, I reckon you should go and say something, after all he is a public servant, he can't do that to you...' She says: 'I will then, I'm off'...
The man says 'Do you want me to hold your monkey?'
A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope. Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:
"don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Baggies shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".
So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Wolves shirt. The Albion lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:
"don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Wolves shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you".
The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Wolves shirt. The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:
"I thought I told you get lost yesterday?"
A Baggies fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says:
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for wish for, you shall get, but every Wolves fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man. "I wish for 1 million quid".
"You understand that every one of the dingles will receive 2 million?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there appears a case of 50 notes.
"Now I wish for West Brom to win the European Cup for 10 years running"
"You understand that this means Wolves will win the Cup 20 years running?"
"Yep, I can live with that"
And, lo and behold, there appears a sports almanack from the year 2050 showing the English dominance of the European Cup
After some thought the Baggies fan replies:
"I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
Have you heard about the ram-raiding Wolves fan?
He ran out of petrol chasing an ice-cream van!
Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Wolves Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What's the difference between a female Wolves Fan and a pit bull?
Q: What do you call 20 Wolves Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Wolves Fan with a brain, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a 50 note. Who gets it ?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
Q: What do Wolves Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you have when 100 Wolves Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Wolves Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Wolves Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Wolves Fan..... Twice.
Q: What is the difference between a Wolves Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Molineux?
A, It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Wolves fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their crappy old gold colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?", "I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest. "No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!" The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Wolves fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the dingle. However even though he was certain he missed him, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said "I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Wolves fan,"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the idiot with the door!"
2 Wolves fans walked past a shop and saw the sign:
One said 'great value! lets buy some.'
Other says 'don't let them know we're Wolves fans or they'll try to rip us off.'
So they hide their scarves. They entered shop and asked for 6 shirts each & 6 pairs of trousers each. The assistant asked "are you Wolves fans" to which they replied "yes".
He said 'bugger off this is a launderette.'
Kevin Muscat is very worried. He has a problem. He phones David Jones.
'Look boss, can you come round. I've got a problem. Can you come?'
'OK Kevin, I'll be right over'
David Jones arrives greeted by a very worried Muscat.
'So, what's the problem Kevin?' he asks.
Muscat leads Jones into the kitchen.
'I can't do this hen jigsaw. The pieces don't seem to fit at all.'
Jones looks at him dryly.
'Put the cornflakes away Kevin' he says.
Q: What do you get when you offer a Wolves fan a penny for his thoughts?
Q: Why did the Wolves fan get so excited after he finished his jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."
A Wolves fan ordered a pizza. The pizza man asked if he wanted it cut into 6 or 12 pieces?
The Dingle replied:
"Six please, I could never eat twelve pieces."
Dave Jones is on who wants to be an millionaire. Some how he is on £500.000 and the last question is
Who lives in a set?
Dave goes fifty fifty and it leaves him with cuckoo and Badger
He decides to ask a friend and asks Steve Bull.(DINGLE LOGIC ASTOUNDS ME) He asks the questions and Bully says yea dat easy , dat's Badger
Dave wins £1,000.000
Next day at the custard factory he asks steve how he knew it Steve replys Dat easy, every one know dat a cuckoo liv in cuckoo clock.
How do you castrate a Wolves fan?
Kick his mom in the chin!
How many Wolves fans does it take to change alightbulb?
20,000( 1 to change the bulb, the other 19,999 to claim they've always been there for every light bulb change, even in the 80s!!)
A source inside Camelot, the lottery people, has revealed that a man
from Wolverhampton was a recent winner in the nation's favourite weekly
gamble. The lucky chap was delighted to announce that he had spent his
winnings on a new player for his beloved Wolverhampton Football Club.
"If my three numbers come up and win me a tenner again," he
added, "I'll gladly buy them another!"
The new super panty liner is to be called the Wolves, because they
can go through a long bad period
Railtrack have decided to start sponsoring Wolverhampton Wanderers. Railtrack think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
David Jones was caught speeding on his way to the Mollyspew today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
A man walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is
wearing a Wolves shirt, bobble hat and scarf. The barman
says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look, I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is
broken, and this is the only place we can see the game." After securing
a promise that the dog will behave and warning that if there is any
trouble they will be thrown out, the barman relents and allows them to
stay in the bar and watch the game. Wolves attack from the kick off and
their first goal attempt is cleared off the line for a corner. With
that the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar
giving everyone a high-five. The barman says, "Wow that is the most
amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if they score a goal?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."
Man walking his three-legged mongrel dog finds a lamp which he picks up
and and rubs to take a better look at it. In the truest joke
traditions, out pops a genie saying "Thank you for releasing me from
the lamp, O Great One. I have the power to grant you one wish -
anything you desire."
Man: Can you make my dog win Crufts?
Genie: What, with only three legs? Wish again!
Man: OK, can you arrange for Wolves to get in the Premiership?
Genie: Let's have a look at that dog again
A man goes into a pub with an alligator under his arm.
"Do you serve Wolves fans here?" he asks.
"Certainly Sir, no problem at all," replies the barman, nervously
staring at the alligator.
"Okay," says the man, "a pint of lager for me and a Wolves fan for the
An Albion supporter was walking down the Brummie road when he saw a
Wolves supporter was walking with a pig...And he asked where the hell
did you get that one..? I won him on lottery replyed the pig...
Q. Why should you never run over a Wolves supporter when they are on a
A. It's probably your bike.
How could you tell if a Wolves supporter has been in your house?
All your bins are empty and your dog is pregnant!
Wolves have had to turn down a sponsorship offer from Spillers dog foods. Said it wouldn't be quite right having Winalot on their shirts.
Press release.........Theives broke into the trophy room at Molly Spew and stole a number of items..... The police are checking local markets to see who is selling a cheap gold and black carpet
Have you heard about oxo producing a new Oxo Cube? They're painting it gold and black and calling it Laughing Stock
What have Michael Oakes and Michael Jackson got in common? They both wear gloves for no apparent reason
Gary Megson and Dave Jones were being interviewed on Radio about their respective ambitions for the rest of the season. Jones was sked. What do you hope for your club this year? Well, says Jones......I think the main priority is to avoid relegation. The same question was put to Gary Megson. Gary says...We will win the league, get reinstated into the FA Cup and have a good run. Don't you think your exaggerating a bit Gary, says the interviewer? Well he bleedin' started it says Gary!!!!!!
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout them Wolves? Great result against Forest or what?"
The seven dwarves were in a mine when it collapsed. Snow white and some friends went to help out and feared everyone was dead, until they heard someone shout "WOLVES ARE GOING TO WIN THE LEAGUE!!", to which snow white responded "Thank god!! at least DOPEY is still alive!!!"
Q: Why do Wolves fans like smart women
A: Opposites attract
Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Wolverhampton?
A: A tourist
Q: What do you call a Wolves fan in a 3 bedroom Semi?
A: A burglar
Q: How do you make a Wolves fan run?
A: Build a job centre
Q: Why do Wolves fans plant potatoes round the edge of Molly Spew?
A: So they have SOMETHING to lift at the end of the season
Q: What do Wolves fans and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up
Q: What do you call a Wolves fan with half a brain?
Wolves are under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion; they've been claiming for Silver Cup polish for the past 30 years.
Q: What’s the difference between a Liverpool court case and managing Wolves?
A: You always felt David Jones would end up on top in the court case.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Wolverhampton ?
Everyone has the same DNA
How many Wolves fans does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as you like, they will never see the light.
Why do Wolves fans carry lighters with them all the time?
Because they lose all their matches
Whats the difference between Wolves and a tea bag?
Tea bag stays in the cup longer
Why are Wolves like an old bra?
No cups, little support!
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE NEW WOLVES SIGNING?
He is from the Korean squad and his name is wop wen wong!
Twins born in Wolverhampton has made history today by being named after the entire Wolves Team.
Complete waste of time and Absoulte F*****g Crap weighed in at 7lb 5oz
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